


365 Days

by introspectivebeet



Series: oikawa harem fics [4]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxiety, Love Letters, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Sleep Deprivation, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2020-12-09
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:07:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 21
Words: 9,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27958127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/introspectivebeet/pseuds/introspectivebeet
Summary: in which iwaizumi is dead, and oikawa tooru writes him letters every day for 365 days.
Relationships: Hanamaki Takahiro/Matsukawa Issei, Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Series: oikawa harem fics [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2099976
Comments: 6
Kudos: 23





	1. 0

Is it rude to profess your undying love at a funeral?

I love him, I truly do. I love him, but I was too much of a pussy to tell him while he was still alive.

I thought he was supposed to be my best friend, I thought we were supposed to go through everything together, I thought we were doing well. 

But no, he fucking left me, he left me all alone in a world I have yet to adapt to. He left me, a minnow amongst an ocean of predators. Is it fair to be mad at him? Is it fair to blame him for the way my life has gone since he killed himself?

We made promises. We made so many fucking promises but he couldn't seem to keep the only one that mattered. Is it my fault?

Am I the reason that he killed himself? Is it because of me that he decided that he couldn't stand living anymore? Is it because of me that he decided life was bland, that it was lackluster? Is it because of me that he decided to jump? 

What did I do wrong? I sacrificed everything just to stay by his side. I even took him to Argentina with me, since he said he couldn't stand the thought of being away from me that long. He told me that the rude behavior in high school was in an attempt to make me hate him, a feeble attempt to make my departure hurt less.

I refused to give up on him, just like I promised. You see, I can keep my promises. We had ten rules, or promises, that's it. It's not a long or difficult list, but he always seemed to have trouble following the rules.


	2. day 1

_February 19, 2018 Day 1_

_Iwa-chan,_

_Why did you do it?_

_You promised me that we would stay by each other's sides, forever. What happened to that? What happened to rules one and three? Was it that hard for you to stay safe? What could you not tell me?_

_I want to understand, Hajime. You are- were my safety. Spending time with you at the end of every long day was what kept me happy. Our little conversations over tea and coffee were some of my favourites, though the times that you came home silently and came straight to me were nice as well._

_I can still feel the warmth and weight of holding you in those moments, I can feel the way your hair tickled my knuckles as I ran my fingers through it. I found myself humming the same song earlier._

_You promised me that you would always tell me when something is wrong. You even seemed happier than usual the last few weeks. So why is it that I'm the one sitting here, writing this letter, and you're the one getting laid to rest, six feet underground, in only three days?_

_It isn't fucking fair, Hajime. Why did you leave me? I was supposed to die first! I'm the one who was terribly mean to innocent people, I am the conceited one, I'm the one who overworked myself and still wasn't fucking good enough. I'm the one who laid awake at night, wondering if I was strong enough to keep going._

_So why the hell am I alive, why is blood running through my veins, while you lay cold and dead on the examiner's table?_

_Fuck you, Hajime. Fuck. You._

_Tooru_


	3. day 4

Learning how to live without the very thing that kept you alive is hell. For me, Iwaizumi Hajime is what kept me alive.

It's only been three days since his death, since he stole his own precious life from the world, and it is the day of his funeral. 

I love Hajime. I really do, with every little thing that I am, but I guess that wasn't enough. Never has been, really. He isn't the first to leave me, but he is the first to do so in such fashion.

The autopsy report said he jumped. His toxicology report was clean, they said that he hadn't had a drop of alcohol in months and wasn't even on prescription drugs. 

Both of these are facts, of course, I would be the first to know if he drank or did anything else stupid to risk his career.

I would... wouldn't I?

I thought I knew everything about Hajime, and that what I didn't know I would discover with time. I know that he loved photography, that his favourite subjects were nature and myself. I know that when he was truly happy, he smiled huge with a dimple on his left cheek and crinkles in his eyes.

I know that he preferred coffee over tea, I know that his favourite colours were brown and turquoise, though he never really told me why. I know that he didn't like eating breakfast but he certainly ate a large lunch and a sizable dinner. I know that my ringtone in his phone was his favourite song, not mine, because I was his favourite person but he still liked to annoy me just a little.

I know that I am still so fucking in love with him.

And I know that he isn't here for me to confess to anymore, not that I think I would ever have the courage. To be frank, I thought that maybe my confession would come after we went for drinks on Mattsun's birthday next month. I'd get drunk, Hajime would refuse like always, and I would pour out the feelings I'd been holding in for more than a decade. 

I'd always been told that I was a flirty drunk, then an emotional one, so I honestly expected to flirt with my dear Iwa-chan until the point that he tired of it, then cry because he denied my advances.

I picked up a turquoise tie. It was crisp, freshly pressed, and the rhinestone-embellished tie clip Hajime loved paired perfectly with it. He said it reminded him of the stars, the stars that I loved to watch reflected in his eyes rather than painted across the sky itself.

It's cold, and not just because It's the middle of February. It's cold because he isn't here, it's cold because he isn't fixing my tie for me even though I knew perfectly well how to tie it. It's cold because he isn't here in his crimson tie, standing next to me, or better yet across from me, and we aren't attending yet another wedding.

It's been so cold without him here. It's been so unforgivably cold.

Daisies were his favourite flower, and the sight of them was suffocating, alive where Hajime should be. He shouldn't be in a fucking cherry coffin on an altar, He should be passing me tissues because my dumbass swore I would be okay, that I was strong, that I didn't need them but he always knew better.

He always, always knew better.


	4. day 5

"Oiki, what the absolute _**fuck**_ was that? You can't just say shit like that in your eulogy!"

I just nodded, flinching with every venomous word that spilled from Makki's lips.

I fucked up. I knew it, Makki knew it, everyone at the fucking funeral knew it, and I wouldn't be surprised if fucking camera crews knew it too, even though they were forced to stay far away.

That's one part of our jobs that Hajime always hated. The moment reporters heard anything of Olympic gold-medalist Oikawa Tooru or Olympic trainer Iwaizumi Hajime, they flocked like geese to a loaf of bread, sure to be bitterly disappointed in the end.

"I can't believe you just said that, 'Kawa."

Mattsun had a softer tone than that of Makki, but I still flinched at the words.

I can't fucking believe that instead of talking about how amazing of a person my Iwa-chan was, how great of a roommate, how phenomenal of a best friend, I fucking confessed my undying love to him.

I don't believe in an afterlife, but if one does exist, I'm sure Hajime would be cussing me out and using the nicknames he gave me so long ago, calling me _shittykawa_ and _trashykawa_ and asking how I could be so unbelievably _stupid_.

"I-I know. I'm a dumbass, I know I fucked up, I know I had years to fucking tell him but I was too much of a pussy to do it until he was fucking dead. I know I ruined everything. I don't need you to tell me that."

The bed in Makki and Mattsun's home is so incredibly cold. Everything is cold.

I heard Makki sigh and I heard him shuffle over to where I was sitting with my knees drawn to my chest. I flinched a little when he sat next to me, and the arm he wrapped around me felt foreign.

Sure, he had hugged me before, but it should be Hajime hugging me. Not Makki. His grip was all too wrong, the bones in his elbow were too sharp, the muscles weren't firm enough. It wasn't his fault at all, I knew that, and yet I despised the touch.

I didn't tell him any of this, and I didn't tell Mattsun to get his face off of my knees when he came over to me as well. _They're trying to make you feel better, dumbass. Don't be a dick_.

I know that. I know that they weren't ever the ones who had to console me, that even Tobio knew how to make me feel better more than these two did, but they had always had Hajime hold me while they did stupid shit to distract me.

Now that he isn't here, they have to hold me. Nobody is here to distract me, nobody is here to make me that stupid strawberry vanilla chamomile tea they always kept stocked for me.

Nobody was here to do that, because even these four arms weren't enough to hold a match to just one of Hajime's.


	5. day 11

_March 1, 2018_ _Day 11_

_Hajime,_

_Did you know that it's cold? I know, that should be obvious given that it's yet to be spring, but it's so fucking cold without you here._

_I still make you coffee in the mornings. I ate soba three nights last week, I can't believe I ate soba without you. I wear your dumb cologne mixed with the perfume you swore you hated, but I loved the way it smelled when I was with you._

_Your mom is still mad at me for ruining your funeral. I thought, foolishly, that she of all people would understand. She didn't. Even Mattsun and Makki got mad at me. Shoyo cried when I said it. He knew since Rio that I am hopelessly in love with you._

_Even now, I love you with all that I am. I turn on your favourite songs and dance around the kitchen, imagining you with me. I burn the candles that remind you of summer, the ones that smell like watermelon and lemon and tea._

_Slow dancing with your ghost is lonely, and it is cold._

_Shoyo came over today, and he brought Tobio. They have helped me feel a little alive, something I haven't felt since that day. But of course they had to leave, reminding me yet again that I am alone. I am so unmistakably alone and that fact terrifies me._

_I have never been so fucking scared, Iwa-chan. Not when we faced Karasuno or Shiratorizawa, not when I thought I was going to leave you in Japan for Argentina, not since I went to Rio without you and I was alone in an unfamiliar place with a language I just started learning._

_I am so, so scared. I'm scared and you're not here to hold my hand through it like you always did._

_I miss you._

_Tooru_


	6. day 17

"Oikawa-san, have you gone to his mom's house yet? There's a box in his room with your name on it."

I looked at Tobio, surprise evident on my face. No, I hadn't gone back to Hajime's childhood home. I refused to, for several reasons, always hiding behind the excuse that his mom must hate me for what I said at the funeral. She's yet to forgive me, of that I'm certain, so it's not like it was much of a reach.

"There is?"

"Yes, and his mom won't let anyone touch it. She said it's meant for you, so your hands must be the only ones to touch it," Shoyo interjected. "We could go with you, if you like."

I would love to have company when I go, I know that I won't be strong enough on my own, I know that I will break down the second I am alone.

I know all of this, but I also know that it has to be done. I can't take anyone with me.

If that box is only to be touched by my hands, then mine must be the only hands to knock on that bright red door. I must be the only person to retrieve the box.

I stood up and saw the other two out of my and Hajime's apartment before slipping on my own shoes.

I didn't bother to text or call. I just hopped on the train to Miyagi and left. I would arrive around 4pm, and I would probably ask to stay at Makki and Mattsun's place. I know that if I went to my own childhood home without Hajime, I would certainly break.

The train is cold.

The train is cold, and I am alone, and the kid in the seat next to me snores too loudly.

The train is cold, but the rain pouring in Miyagi is colder. The rain is cold, but the doorstep on which I stand feels like ice, seeping through my bones.

I knock on the door, in the same pattern we had always used for each other, the ones that our parents knew like the tops of our heads.

_**Your mom is sad. She's gorgeous, as she always has been, but she's so fucking sad, Hajime. You were her world, and now you're gone. I wouldn't be surprised if she blames me. I know I do.** _

I barely register the feeling of her arms around my middle. She's always been on the short side, but today she feels farther away than ever before. She grabs my hand, she makes me my favourite tea, she tells me that she's so glad I've finally come home.

_Home._

That word is so foreign to me. Where is my home? What is it? Is it volleyball, like I told you years ago?

No. Volleyball is nothing but a distraction, a pastime.

My home is my Iwa-chan.

My home is my Iwa-chan, but now I've been orphaned, evicted, abandoned.

Her hug is warm. The tea your mom prepared for me is warm.

It's cold in Tokyo, but your room feels as though my skin has been set on fire. A supernova holds nothing to the warmth I felt the second I opened the food, the one that still had that old, battered _Godzilla_ poster on it.

My home had been stolen from me, but walking into your room was enough to engulf me in the you I recognized, the you that you abandoned because you "needed to grow up."

Iwa-chan, what was the point in forcing yourself to grow up so quickly? Is that part of what took you from me?

The box is covered in gift wrap.

The box is covered in gift wrap, my favourite wrapping pattern. It held the constellations that always looked best in your eyes. It's not heavy, but it's not light. It's much smaller than I thought.

"Tooru, love, you can take anything that helps."

The words rattled in my mind, I heard them so distantly, but I nodded still.

I left with the box. I left with the box and your Seijoh uniform and your Godzilla plush, the one I got you for graduation, the one that you threw at my head when I embarrassed you in a tipsy game of truth or dare played with Mattsun and Makki.

I left with those three things, desperate to take more and hold onto everything I ever knew of you, but with the overwhelming feeling of guilt for taking the things I did.

Everyone else needed to remember too.


	7. day 37

_March 27, 2018 Day 37_

_Hajime,_

_I've written 37 of these now. And yet, with each one I write, I find more and more I want to say._

_Yesterday I told you that Makki called me the main character of a tragedy, one in which I lost the love of my life, the one I never properly confessed to. He and Mattsun claimed that the love wasn't unrequited, but I can't be sure of that._

_In my eyes, I am a side character. I'm the addition, the one who shocks the protagonist into doing what they had planned to do all along. I'm the therapist friend, the one who always tries to make sure everyone else is doing okay, while nobody asks about me._

_In truth, the only person who has actually cared enough to know even an inkling of what I'm experiencing is Shoyo. Not because he went through the same thing with a former teammate of his, but because that's just the kind of person he is._

_Sure, Sugawara reached out to check on me. So did Akaashi and Sawamura and Yahaba and even Kyotani and Ushijima. Mattsun and Makki try to visit every weekend, and your mom and I phone once a week._

_I have all of these people reaching out, but of course Shoyo, the epitome of sunshine himself, is the only one who has been able to get through to me._

_I have Shoyo, and I have the pieces of you I brought with me from Miyagi._

_I still haven't opened the box. How can I, when the piece of paper taped to the front says "Tooru" and not the usual "Shittykawa" or "Oinkawa?" How am I supposed to open it when the way it addresses me is so intimate?_

_I'm still scared, Iwa-chan. Does it have a letter in it, one in which you tell me why you left? I want answers, but will I be able to handle them?_

_If you were here, you would tell me of course I can handle it, you would be here to hold me and kiss my fingertips, something you only did when we were alone. You would make my tea and put on my favourite music, you would make it known that you are here for me._

_I'm scared, Iwa-chan._

_Why did you leave me?_

_Tooru_


	8. day 42

_April 1, 2018_ _Day 42_

_Hajime,_

_Remember that day I begged you to come get abducted by aliens with me? I could tell you weren't having fun, but I told myself that you would understand if you saw the aliens too, you would understand._

_You never saw them, you never understood, but you still went for me. You still helped me believe. You helped me believe in something as foolish as aliens, when there were very real things in front of me that would take my breath away and amaze me more._

_You helped me believe, not only in aliens, but also in the beauty of everyday life._

_The world used to be so colourful and flavourful with you in it. But now my life feels like it's in monochrome, and nothing has a taste. I started eating food as spicy as Suga likes it, that masochist, but I still can't taste it. Everything is so... dull without you here._

_You helped me believe in the world, the full colour of everything set before me. You helped me believe that life was worth living. You helped me believe in myself._

_You helped me believe all of this, but now, who is here to help me believe in anything? All I know now is that promises are meant to be broken._

_Promises are meant to be broken, and yet I find myself trying to hold on to the ones we shared over pink promises._

_I'm trying, I'm trying so hard for you, Hajime._

_But my eyes have run dry, the words refuse to leave my throat, and the world tastes like nothing anymore._

_You gave me all of my favourite memories, but now, remembering you, you are my worst memory of all._

_Tooru_


	9. day 72

I looked down at the box in my hands. I feel nothing as I unwrap the paper, my heart rate staying the same.

I should feel fear, or maybe relief, or even desperation.

I should feel a myriad of things, but I feel nothing.

I open the box.

It's full of notes and letters and scraps of paper.

I reach for the letter on top, the one that is sealed in an envelope, the one with my full name across the top.

My face is dry as I open the envelope. I am unfeeling, unwavering. I have already been broken beyond repair, what's a letter going to do?

_Tooru,_

_Hi. How are you? Okay, now that you've lied, how are you_ _**really?** _

_You always said I know you best, that you know me best. I wish that I knew me best, and I'm so glad that you didn't know everything about me. I couldn't let you see every ugly thought that plagued my mind. I couldn't let you in on the torment that flows so freely around in my mind, I couldn't hurt you like that._

_You deserve so many things, Tooru, all of them good. When I tried pushing you away in high school, you refused to let me. When I tried to say goodbye when you packed for Argentina, you pulled me to my house and showed me the suitcases you had already packed for me. You showed me an acceptance letter to the best university in Argentina._

_You knew me best, you knew exactly what to do to make me stay. You knew all of this, and yet, I still left you._

_I'm sorry, Tooru. I tried for you, I held on so long, but I can't take this suffering anymore._

_I stayed for you, long enough to see you graduate, long enough to see you learn and lose interest in Argentina, long enough to see Hinata-kun make you fall in love with volleyball all over again. I stayed long enough to see you thrive on the Argentina team, I stayed to see you win the fucking Olympics!_

_I stayed to move back to Japan with you, I stayed to hear you doubt your abilities, your worth, not only as a volleyball player but as a human._

_What you don't understand, Tooru, is that you deserve the universe. You deserve every square centimeter of the universe, you are made of stardust and I hope that you can shine as brightly as the stars, even with me gone. I won't be by your side anymore, but I will still be with you._

_I love you, Tooru. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. I love you and I want to rip every star from the night sky and fill your veins with them. I want to take you to the moon, I want to be there with you when you learn that there are new signs of life in other parts of the universe._

_I want to be there with you, always._

_I want all of this, all of these amazing things, but I know that I don't deserve a single one of them._

_I don't deserve you._

_I'm so sorry I'm leaving you._

_I'm leaving you, but I know you best, right? I know you're strong enough to do this without me._

_I love you, Shittykawa. You're a massive fucking nerd, you're annoying and clingy, you are so exceedingly basic, but you're also much more than that._

_I love you so fucking much, Oikawa Tooru. I'm_ **_in love_ ** _with you._

_I'm sorry._

_Your Iwa-chan_


	10. day 89

Sleep is a hard thing to come by these days, at least for me. Every night, I reach for that damned box, and I read another message from Hajime. There are hundreds of pieces of paper in that box, some of them full-fledged letters and others notes scribbled on the margins of a test, then ripped off.

Sometimes they come with little drawings, things like a volleyball or the stars or an astronaut with the name "Iwaizumi" on his breast.

Tonight's note was a little longer than most. He unfolded the piece of paper, unsure if he was ready to see the scratchy handwriting of his Iwa-chan. Hopefully this one wasn't an excuse, but rather just a short message of how his day was.  
  


_I always have loved stargazing, because it reminds me of you. I love the way the stars look, like diamonds placed perfectly in the vast expanse that is the night sky. I love the way they look all the way up there, but they look all the more dazzling in your eyes._

_I told you that one of my favourite colours is brown. Do you know why that is, Tooru? Did you finally figure it out, or are you still painfully oblivious?_

_In case you haven't, brown is one of my favourite colours because of you. Your eyes, your hair, the tan clothing you always looked so good in, the lattes you sipped on Sunday mornings. Brown is one of my favourite colours, because brown is you._

_My other favourite colour is turquoise. Have you figured that one out, yet? Probably not._

_Turquoise is my other favourite colour because you always look amazing in it. When we wore our uniforms, your phone case, your workout clothes. It's like your personality was split in two, with the calm, domestic side being a range of browns and the diligent side, the one that refused to give in, was turquoise._

_Sometimes the colours muddied instead of living in harmony, like you applied paint to an already yet canvas. You doubted your abilities, you doubted your own self-worth, but that colour was still beautiful nonetheless. You're beautiful, Tooru._

_I love you, my mess of a human._

No, sleep doesn't come as easily as it used to. I used to pass out within minutes, drooling all over the pillow beneath me, whether it be in my bed or Hajime's shoulder or the couch cushion. Sleep has never been a difficulty for me, but now, as I lay here, tears flowing freely down the sides of my face, staring at the glow-in-the-dark stars that cover the ceiling in my bedroom, I can't get a wink of it.

It's in times like these that I would go to Hajime's room and crawl into bed next to him. He liked being little spoon most nights, but when I couldn't sleep, he held me as close to his chest as possible.

I haven't gone into his room in almost a hundred nights.

A hundred nights that I have existed without the greatest thing that ever happened to me.

I won't be sleeping easily tonight.


	11. day 100

_May 30, 2018_ _Day 100_

_Hajime,_

_It's been 100 days now. 100 nights when sleep has been nothing but a battle. 100 days of staring at the stars on my ceiling, wishing for the stars of the actual night sky, wishing I could see them twinkle in your eyes._

_Do you remember when I first kissed you, at all? We were about eight years old, and you had fallen and scraped your knee. Our moms were both at the store, my dad at work, and we were alone. So I helped you inside and I cleaned up your knee before putting one of the Godzilla bandages my mom got just for you on it, and then I kissed it._

_You looked at me with wide eyes, like I either disgusted you or just unlocked all of the secrets of the universe. I guess neither were true, but from that day on you always kissed me where I got hurt, and vice versa._

_We got made fun of for it at first when we started at Aoba Johsai, but soon enough Mattsun and Makki did it too, and the teasing slowed._

_I wish you were here to kiss my forehead, or my hairline, or my chest, or my fingertips. You always kissed one of those places when the hurt was one you couldn't bandage._

_But you're not here, and I refuse to talk to anyone else. I leave our apartment only when I actually need to. All of our friends stop by some days to bring me groceries, most of which end up rotting in the fridge._

_I miss you, Hajime. I miss you, the lover who was never really mine, the man that I never expressed my true self to. I only showed you what I wanted you to see, which was more than everyone else but still not the things that scare me about myself._

_I'm Mr Loverman, according to you, but you are the lover that I never got to profess my love to, the only lover I'll ever miss, because this love for you will die with me. You were my first almost, and that almost will haunt me until the day I die._

_Every minute I spent with you was the best minute of my life. Even when we lost games, even when we fought, even when we had financial hardships, you were the highlight of it all._

_Thank you, Iwa-chan, for all of my fondest memories, the memories that I will die with but the ones that will not die with me. I'm writing as many of them down as I can, after all._

_I'm writing them down, and I'm going to address this box to Shoyo and Tobio. They can share the letters with anyone they want, but I remember the way that you jokingly called Tobio-chan my son. I remember that, and I realize that maybe I was like his dad, but you were the dad who actually taught him how to be a good person._

_I love you, Iwaizumi Hajime. One hundred days without you is one hundred one days too many._

_Tooru._


	12. day 111

_June 10, 2018_ _Day 111_

_Hajime,_

_It's your birthday! You were supposed to be 24 today. I planned on taking you to the Aoba Johsai gym today, Makki and Mattsun were gonna bring the drinks and Yahaba was gonna break in for us. The whole team from our third year was supposed to be there, plus a few other people. Suga was gonna bring snacks (including Daichi), Shoyo and Tobio had games they were gonna bring, I even invited Ushijima and Tendou._

_Everyone outside of our blood-related family who we loved was supposed to be there. They asked me last week if I still wanted to go, as a celebration of the life you lived, but I denied that request so quickly._

_Kindaichi still has a habit of saying "I trust in you!" just like he did before every game we played. I don't think I could handle hearing that without you, Iwa-chan. It just doesn't feel right._

_That silly little phrase held so much significance and weight in it. It was truthful for the team, they meant it when they said it. But when have I ever trusted myself? When have I ever given anyone my trust besides you, Hajime?_

_You were the only person I let see most of me, the only person who knew many of the things I was scared to show not only the world but also myself. You were the only one who was actually there for me. But now you're gone, and I'm left here, alone, wondering when my time is up._

_Today has been the hardest day since you left. I remember that this time last year, we went to a bar for drinks, just the two of us. You got so mad at me for flirting, even though you knew I was a flirty drunk. I never figured out why, but I guess I know now. I mean, you did write to me. You said you'd loved me since second year of high school._

_I love you too, dumbass. I did then, I did the day you died, and I still fucking do._

_You got depressed when I flirted with girls. You got furious when I flirted with guys. And now that I really think about it, you got anxious and jittery when the person was nonbinary. Why, Iwa-chan? I know you of all people aren't homophobic, but why was it fear when I flirted with them?_

_Was it jealousy?_

_Will I ever know? Is there a piece of paper in that box that has the answers to all of the questions that have plagued my mind since you left? Am I made to guess, to grasp at straws, like in high school literature classes all over again? Drawing the meaning from a story with no climax, no conclusion? Am I meant to infer the infinite possibilities, dream of the countless answers that lurk beneath the surface of the earth, six feet under?_

_I just want to know the full truth, Hajime. I haven't accepted my own truth yet, but I was working on it, with you by my side._

_I was working on it, but now I'm alone, and it's dark. It's dark and so fucking cold and I just want to get tipsy and kiss you sloppily and hold you in my arms but I can't do any of that._

_I want you, Hajime._

_Why did you leave me?_

_You blamed it on your thoughts but that's not fucking good enough, Hajime, that's not good enough because I'm still here. I'm still here, and you've always been stronger than me, so why the fuck am I the one writing this letter and why are you the one taking a life-long beauty sleep?_

_I was the one in high school who didn't take care of himself at all, I was the one who was hospitalized in Argentina and said fuck it, if I die I die, I was the one who begged to fucking die but you refused to let me._

_You're the one who saw me the night I almost fucking killed myself, Hajime, so why the hell am I the one still living?_

_Am I living? Is it living if you are a shell of the person who you used to be? Is it living if you eat less than three meals a week? Is it living if every day that passes makes me want to join you, to be buried right next to you more and more?_

_Hajime, I'm not okay, I've never been okay, and as I write this tears are streaming down my face. I'm not strong enough, I never have been and I never will be. You've always been the strong one and now you're not fucking here to hold me together, and only now do I realize how incredibly fucking selfish I am._

_I made you the tape that holds my life together, and I didn't even try to consider that your life was crumbling just like mine._

_Hajime, I love you so fucking much, I'm in love with you, and I still make your fucking shitty coffee and I still turn on your favourite music and I still slow dance with your ghost in the kitchen. I still wear your T-shirts to sleep and I still refuse to leave the apartment because if I leave I lose part of you. When I leave I can't smell your shitty cologne or that terrible 3-in-1 shampoo you used._

_When I leave I don't have you, I don't have the remnants of the only thing keeping me alive._

_Fuck you for leaving me, Hajime. Fuck you for not trusting me, fuck you for not telling me what was going on. Fuck. You._

_Tooru_


	13. day 132

The stars are a mystery. I want nothing more than to take the big dipper and ladle some of the stars from the night sky into Hajime's veins. I want to revive him, to bring him back home.

The truth is, though, that he never felt at home during his time on Earth. Maybe, just maybe, there is an afterlife. Maybe he was born again, amongst the stars.

He always said he felt most at home when we were stargazing, facing opposite directions with our heads next to one another's. It was like a medicine for the both of us; whether it was the night sky or the presence of Hajime that numbed my pain I am unsure, but staring at the stars tonight holds a different kind of weight.

This isn't fair. It's been 132 days since Hajime stole the thing most precious to me.

_You're not here to get me through it all, Hajime._

It was like we were ten again, trying to pull the tablecloth from under the dishes, but this time I was the dishes and he sent my life spiraling further and further down until now, when I'm left to stare at the ceiling and decay at an agonizing pace.

It pains me to think of how we could've been different if only neither of us were such cowards, if maybe we actually confessed to one another. Would he still be here, head pressed against the crook of my neck, staring at the stars? Would we be wondering what lies beyond?

Would I still have him?

Would I still have Hajime, or would I still not be enough?

Never being good enough is a theme throughout my life, something I'm used to, not a friend but an annoying disease that refuses to leave no matter the treatment.

I want to stop trying so hard. Kyotani tried telling me that I'm being weak, that I'm letting something that happened months ago plague me when to me, it feels like just yesterday. Getting out of bed, or even getting into bed, is such a fucking laborious task for me these days.

I want to stop trying, I want to give up, I just want Hajime back. I want him to hold me, tell me that things would be okay, that my thoughts don't control me, that I am worth it. He claimed that I deserved the universe, but did I not make it clear enough that he was my universe?

I work so fucking hard but I still fail. I can't even fucking take care of myself, when is the last time I showered? I'm not even sure. I think I ate a few days ago, maybe three or four. Hunger is a feeling I'm not used to anymore.

The things that used to be a part of me, the things that held me together, they're all gone, and I'm left here with nothing. I lost interest in everything that used to bring me joy. I just want to sleep, but I can't even do that. I stay up for hours and hours on end, until I crash for sixteen hours and repeat. All I want to do anymore is sleep.

Sleep is an escape, one that I took for granted for so long. I used to stay up later on purpose, but now, even sleeping pills aren't enough to help.

I'm exhausted. I'm so, so fucking tired.


	14. day 151

_July 20, 2018 Day 151_

_Hajime,_

_I feel empty. I feel as though I have dug myself a grave, one that I wish nothing more than to lay in, but one that I have not been permitted to enter._

_I'm floating, be it in space or in the ocean, and soon enough the overwhelming lack of oxygen will drown me, enveloping me in the sweet embrace of death herself._

_I remember the night we beat Karasuno, when we hung out with Makki and Mattsun and got absolutely shitface drunk. I drank myself to the point of poisoning, and you had to take me to the hospital._

_I remember hearing you cry when I was trying to wake up. I heard you begging me to hold on, telling me that you still need me, but I wanted to let go so bad. You said I was stronger than this, that you didn't want to let go of me, but I wasn't strong enough, I'm still not strong enough, Iwa-chan I need you. It's not a want, it's a need._

_When I say that you held me together I mean it. You are quite literally the only reason I'm alive still, even if I'm not necessarily living. You sobbed when I woke up, you told me that you were so happy that we got to the hospital quickly enough, you told me that you were so scared to lose me. You called me "Shittykawa" and "Dumbkawa," telling me that I was so fucking stupid for drinking that much._

_I'm spiteful that you got me there on time. I got more memories with you, but those fucking hurt now. The happiest moments we spent together are the ones that hurt the most, and I can't do shit about it._

_I started drinking, a lot, and the second Makki found out he took all of my alcohol. He even called the rest of our friends and told them to keep an eye out._

_I want to go home, I want to be back with you, Hajime, why won't anyone let me go home? I need to go home, so why the fuck can't I? It's my birthday today, I'm supposed to be with you, watching a shitty romcom and crying into a pint of ice cream like we do every year. I'm supposed to cuddle up next to you, I'm supposed to get a flick in the forehead from you right before an apology kiss in the same spot._

_I'm supposed to be happy, Hajime, I haven't been fucking happy in so god damn long and I want to give up! Let me come home, please, please, please. Let me come home._

_Tooru_


	15. day 176

_August 14, 2018_ _Day 176_

_Hajime,_

_I've broken almost all of our rules. Those ten stupid promises we made each other, the ones that you broke in one fucking night._

_The autopsy report said you died on impact. I wonder what thoughts were racing through your head after you jumped? Were you scared? Did you change your mind? Were you happy? Did you feel like you were going home? Did you feel anything at all?_

_I think I'm too scared to go out that way. I've thought about it a lot, even more since you left me. I think that doing something that ruins my skin would haunt our moms forever, especially since I know for a fact my mom would want an open casket funeral._

_Honestly, I'm kind of glad yours was closed. It means that the memory I have of you, is one where you were living. The last time I saw you was that morning, I made you coffee and you took it with you on your way to work. You took longer to leave that morning than usual, telling me that you would miss me._

_When I said I would see you later, you just said you had to go. Did you know you were going to do it that day? Had you planned it for a while?_

_All I know is that February 19 is a fucking terrible day. It's a terrible day, but I will make it to then. I have to._

_I have to make it at least a year without you, no matter how much it kills me. You said I was strong enough, let me prove that to you._

_Today Akaashi told me that I had to move on. That's just it though, I think that's the worst part. Living life after yours ended so quickly, is that fair to you? I don't want to move on, Hajime, I want my every day to be spent in your enveloping warmth._

_But it's cold, Hajime. It's cold and it keeps getting colder. It's so very dark, I'm suffocating and I can't see and I'm cold. It feels as though I have left the atmosphere without so much as a light jacket, let alone a space suit, and there's no way to get one on now._

_Why can't you fucking come back to me? Why did you leave, you promised me forever, Iwa-chan. We promised each other we would stay safe but how the fuck can either of us stay safe when you're dead and I'm decaying in the memory of what once was?_

_Why did you fucking leave me in the first place, asshole?_

_I hate you so fucking much, Hajime._

_Tooru_


	16. day 190

I hate those fucking stars on my ceiling.

All they do is remind me of what once was, of everything I almost had but never got.

I hate that word, almost. It's so full of empty hope, of promises that were never kept, of pinky promises that were nothing but a false sense of security.

Almost is never enough, it never fucking has been. We were so close to having everything in each other, but here I lay, alone, hating everything that isn't Hajime. I hate everything that he touched, everything he owned, everything that was once his. I hate it all because it's not quite him, all of it together didn't piece up even half of what was _almost_ mine.

I grabbed another piece of paper from that stupid fucking box, this one was a little longer of a note, and it looked like his handwriting was shaky. Maybe he was nervous when he wrote this one, a sight that terrifies me. I always hated when my strong Iwa-chan was scared.

_Tooru,_

_Hey there, sunshine, I wanted to tell you something. I'm scared as fuck, truthfully, because I can't lose you. You are my home, and I'm terrified that you'll hand me metaphorical eviction papers when I finally give you this letter._

_You see, sunshine, the truth is that I planned all of this. I said I was scared of getting eviction papers, yet here I am ending my lease. I've tried for so long, held on for so long, all for you. I didn't want to stay here, I hate everything that has happened, everything but you._

_You'll probably hate me, call me a coward for not staying. I deserve it. But please, Tooru, don't let these same thoughts plague your mind. You deserve the whole universe. I've said it before and I'll say it time and time again until February 19._

_I don't have any real reason for picking that day, but it just feels like the right time._

_Tooru, I want to tell you everything that I didn't get the chance to say aloud. I only have thirty-seven days left, not enough time to get enough courage to tell you any of these things in person, so I'll tell you them now._

_About eighty of the notes in this box were written in high school, including the one where I came out to you, the one where I told you I was in love with you, and the one when I said that he/him pronouns didn't disgust me but I wasn't pleased with them either._

I stopped reading. I hadn't found that one yet, should I look for it?

If I look for it, will I be too tempted to read every single note, and not have any left to hold me over until February 19? When I counted that first night, there were exactly 292 pieces of paper in the box, almost as if Hajime had known when I would bother to open the box.

I decide that no, I will get to that note when I get to it.

_Sunflowers are my favourite flower, because they remind me of you. Ironically enough, I love the late nights the most, because that's when you seem happiest._

_I actually don't like spicy food, I just eat it to impress you. It's another one of those stupid things I do like arm wrestling to prove how very strong I am, because if I can't feel it now, then I'll try to fake it until the 19._

_I told Tobio one time that I thought you were really pretty. He agreed._

_Watching you play volleyball is one of my favourite things to do. Sometimes when I'm on break at work, I'll pull up clips from old games of yours and watch them._

_There are so many things I want to tell you, things that I wish I had a lifetime to express._

_There's a letter in this box labeled 19, read that one on the anniversary, okay? It has everything that I can't bring myself to say here. This letter is supposed to be happy, it's supposed to be full of the memories and things I hold dear. Notice that every single thing involves you._

_I love you so much, sunshine._

_Hajime_

I'm crying, for the first time in months. I'm feeling, and I want it to stop. I want the flood of emotions to stay at bay, I can't break down now, I can't, I can't, I can't.

I can't break down with the only thing that anchors me gone. I've made it this long without a break down, please, it can't happen now that he isn't here.

I swallow thickly, I refuse to let my emotions get the best of me.


	17. day 350

_February 4, 2019 Day 350_

_Hajime,_

_Only fifteen days left._

_Fifteen days from now, I will be home again._

_I took the stars off of my ceiling, I started cleaning the apartment. I'm pretty sure everyone thinks I'm finally starting to move on._

_Oh how wrong they are._

_You know how a cancer patient has that last good day before they die?_

_Think of these next few days like that._

_I tried convincing myself that I hated you months ago, but in actuality I was just kidding myself. I don't think I could ever hate you, my Iwa-chan._

_Before I go, I want to ask the empty space next to me if there was something I could have said to make you stop hurting? Was your mind similar to mine, did you feel as worthless as I do? Could I have stopped the pain, or at least eased it?_

_Was I really as amazing as you claimed in those letters?_

_My favourite letter so far is the one you wrote on a pink origami heart. It just said,_ _**to my boke** _ _. No other words were written on it, but I still love it._

_I know that I'm going to crack soon. You and I both know that I have a talent for holding it all together until I break down, and I'm pretty sure that will happen in the next fifteen days._

_I have lived far too long without you, Hajime. You still are my everything. Nothing else is worth it without you, and I mean that._

_I love you so much, dumbass, I hope you know that now._

_I can't wait to join the stars with you. We might not be the protagonists of the world, but wherever you go I will be sure to follow._

_Tooru_


	18. day 359

It's cold, and it's dark, and I can't breathe.

It feels as though I'm trying to bench press a bus, the weight on my chest is so heavy.

As I reach into the box to read the sixth-to-last note, I shake. I hover over the purple piece of paper, it was a shorter note this time.

_Oi, Shittykawa._

This note is from high school, it has to be. Hajime stopped calling me such names years ago.

_You need to start believing in yourself. You're strong, even if you don't think you are. I know you are._

_You'll be okay, so stop worrying so much._

_I love you, asshole._

_Iwa-chan_

Are you fucking kidding me?

If I were truly strong enough, I wouldn't be counting down the days until I join Hajime, would I?

I've always been the weaker of the two of us, Hajime knew that.

I'm surprised I made it this long, honestly.

I lost my friend, my potential lover, my mind. I lost my fucking mind, and I'm going to break at any second and I'm scared.

I'm so fucking scared without him, I can't even say his name out loud without sobbing. I tried to say good morning to him the other day.

I still haven't opened the door to his room.

I have to.

I force myself to walk to the door, the one that has stayed shut for 359 days now.

I twist the knob, and the overwhelming smell of his cologne makes me fall to my knees.

No, I'm not strong, Hajime. I never have been.

I'm sorry.


	19. day 364

_February 18, 2019 Day 364_

_Hajime,_

_I wasn't ready to say goodbye to you. Goodbye to a world that has something as truly brilliant and beautiful as you in it._

_I wasn't ready to say goodbye to it then, but I am now._

_All I ever wanted was you, Iwa-chan. I just want to hear you call me Shittykawa or sunshine or Tooru just one more time._

_All I wanted was you, and now I'll never fucking have you._

_I've spent the last four nights here in your room. Your pillows still smell like you. Your clothes are still comfortably worn out, and I've been wearing them every day._

_I'm gonna wear the suit you always liked best on me tomorrow. I know that you went out in style, so I might as well join you in the same fashion._

_I hope that there is an afterlife, or perhaps a reincarnation where I can meet you again. If there is a rebirth, I hope that we meet each other in every life we're permitted. I never want to live without you again._

_Tomorrow is the big day, Iwa-chan. I'm coming home, finally. I'm not scared anymore. I wrote a note to everyone who needs one. Suga, Akaashi, Tendou, Shoyo, Tobio, Mattsun and Makki, our moms, everyone._

_I'm sorry I couldn't hold on any longer._

_I love you so much, Iwa-chan. I can't wait to join you in the stars._

_I can't wait to come home to you._

_I love you, so incredibly much._

_Your sunshine_


	20. day 365

It's February 19.

I reach for the last letter in the box, the one labeled 19. I waited to open it, just like Hajime asked.

I took a deep breath before opening it. If I break down, it shouldn't really matter. I already wrote my 365 letter, I have the pills on the table next to me, the nasty grapefruit vodka waiting to help me down them.

Everything is in place, so what's a little crying before I die?

_Oikawa Tooru,_

_I know you're going to join me on this day, a year from now._

_I know that you've given up on yourself. I know you best, don't I?_

_You always tried to hide the parts of you that you're scared of from the world, from me, from yourself. You've always tried to hide what makes you who you are._

_I know you get the intrusive thoughts still. When we go for a drive, I can still see you staring longingly out the window every time we pass over a bridge. I know that you think you have never been strong enough, and perhaps that is true, at least in this lifetime._

_You've never really believed in the idea of an afterlife, or in reincarnation, but you know that I do. I pray every day to a god, a saviour who can pull you out of the train wreck of your mind. I'm not ready for you to die, not yet, but I know that you've accepted it. I know that you long for it, that you have for quite a while._

_I'm not mad at you. I know you tried, at least for a little while. I believe that we will meet again, Tooru. We have to._

_I can't wait to hold you in my arms again._

_I miss you, Oikawa Tooru. I miss you, and I am so unforgivably in love with you._

_The first thing I'm doing when I see you again, in the in-between, is kissing you._

_I might be gone now, but soon I will be home again. I know that, I've accepted it, and I am so sorry that I robbed the universe of your existence after only 24 and a half years._

_I love you, Tooru. I'll look for you._

_Your Hajime_

Sobs wrench their way out of my throat. Shaking, I unscrew the bottles next to me.

"I'm coming home, Iwa-chan. I'm sorry I made you wait."

I swallowed the pills and downed the full bottle of vodka.

It's not cold anymore. 


	21. day 366

It's bright, too bright.

It's bright, and there is a hand holding mine.

It's smaller than Hajime's.

It's bright and it smells like antiseptic, and no, I swear to fucking god, no, I better not be where I think I am.

I hear a slight beeping, and instantly, anger fills my body.

No, this wasn't supposed to happen, what did I do to deserve this, I'm supposed to be home, why am I not in Iwa-chan's arms, what the hell am I doing here.

I sit up as quickly as my body lets me, making the person sitting next to this painful cot jerk awake.

It's Shoyo, of fucking course it's Shoyo. I have never been angry at him, but right now I feel nothing but pure spite for him.

I glare at him, spitting out a quick " **what the fuck, Shoyo, why did you bring me here?** "

Shoyo started to cry, not from my tone, or my words, but apparently of relief.

Guess what, Shoyo, I'm not relieved.

Why didn't you let me go home?

I guess I'm not even good enough to die.


End file.
